There’s never anything profound about erotic contact. Sex is purely a hormonal act, whereas love, as expressed in a hug, brings true intimacy
Sex Jaipur call girl sells, they say, and I’m as guilty as anyone of finding headlines such as “How to keep the sex alive in your marriage” irresistible. I pore over these articles, never quite trusting their advice, but still discussing them with my girlfriend’s ad infinitum.
But is sex really about love, about connecting with your partner in some mysterious, profound way?
No, I don’t think it is. I think the 20th century made the whole story up, and we bought it because it suited us. We went from sex Call Girl Jaipur -shame to sex-worship in a few heady years.
We are told again and again that sex is “communicative”. I always think, “What are they talking about?” Have I ever communicated anything during sex? I don’t think so. Some women are confident enough to tell their partners exactly what they want in bed, so yes (I mustn’t be cynical), you might just communicate as well as you do to a plumber, explaining where a leak is coming from. And just being naked with someone is a real act of trust. But beyond this, I have no idea what is going on in my partner’s head when we have sex, and he has no idea what is going on in mine.
I once risked asking my partner whether he thought sex could ever be spiritual. “Spiritual!” he laughed. “The spirit doesn’t enter into it. Sex is about lust, about desire, about a particular physical experience that is intensely pleasurable. It’s about Spurs coming top of the league, a good day at work, a way of dealing with surplus emotion which makes you able to sleep well. Sex has never been about the spirit, not for a day!”
One of the most alarming things about sex, I find, is the role of fantasy within it. Regardless of whether it is true, we are still taught that sex is about love. There seems to be a huge conflict here. Having sex with one man, thinking of another – am I persuaded that counts as “loving”?
In the early 80s, as part of my training as a probation officer, I learned how to be a sex call girls in Jaipur therapist in a week. No mention of the word “love”, incidentally: it was all technique and teaching my “clients” how to fantasise about film stars.
At that time, I thought it was all quite amusing. I was in my 20s, and quite happy to share erotic stories with my then husband, about innocent virgins and their seduction. But now I am 56: and thank God I don’t know what goes on in my husband’s head.
We were lovers, first, at 20. Is he remembering how smooth and silky and firm my flesh was then, as he feels my middle-aged spread? Is he thinking of the lovely young woman who’s just started at his work, the one who is “turning everyone’s head”? Or is he just away with the fairies? I once asked him what it felt like as a man to have sex – and he told me he felt like a bicycle tyre being blown up. Oddly, I found this hugely reassuring. It could have been so much worse.
And what if he could see what was in my head? What if he knew I was thinking of a scene from a Japanese pornographic movie I saw yonks ago? I complain that sex is not communicative except in the most mundane ways. But what if it was? What if, at the end of the sex act, we swapped printouts of what we were honestly thinking about, whether that consisted of shopping lists or secret objects of lust? Would we feel closer, more loved by our partners? Or would we feel undermined, betrayed, jealous, appalled?
Sex is not about souls. We have sexual desire when we want to have sex, not when we love someone. If that wasn’t the case, it would be the oldies who were all having rampant sex after 40 years of a happy marriage, who’d be the writers of agony columns advising those poor young people how being kind and considerate and bringing a cup of tea to their partner in bed will get the pulse racing.
The older I get, the more sceptical I get. Sex is a neutral and colourless thing, and a higher or lower sex drive is caused by hormones that are hard to control. For hundreds of years, societies and religions have tried to harness this drive. But for the past 60 years, we in the west have been quite sure we know best: every other age and culture has been wrong. We are right. Sex is the most profound form of human love, the deepest expression. What a load of nonsense. How were we ever taken in? Because we wanted permission to have a good time.